By Knude Society Team

How to ask for what you want during sex

It's 2020, but almost half of women in the UK are dissatisfied with their sex life according to Public Health England.

We get it. Opening up a very core part of your desires and wants can be downright scary. You're worried you're going to be judged or laughed out of the bedsheets. Or you're concerned that you'll criticise your partner, whereas you just want to guide them.

Everyone gets stuck in a rut. Changes their likes and dislikes. Or has that fantasy they've always wanted to try out tucked away at the back of their minds, too scared to talk it out. But unfortunately for you, your partner isn't a mind-reader either.

So here's our quick fire list on how to get what you want in bed:

Bring the positivity

Start out by being clear about what you do like that your partner does for you already. Be complimentary, and frame any changes as suggestions on how to improve and make it feel even better.

Remember that sex is for you too

Women* especially can fall foul to making sex all about their partner, leaving nothing for themselves. It's no surprise that this is the case when women's sexual pleasure comes second or is seen as 'unseemly' by society. Remember that when you're communicating with your partner that it's a two-way street. That pleasure should flow both ways, because when it does, it's better for everyone!

Choose your moment

Right after sex where you're both feeling vulnerable might not be the best time. Neither is bottling it up and exploding from (understandable) frustration. Choose a time when you're both relaxed and open to the conversation.

Make it part of your foreplay

For those of us who blush easy, try giving sexting a go. Being able to type out your desires can make it easier. Plus who doesn't like getting a red hot text from their partner telling them exactly what they want to do to them later?

Try giving it a go in real life too. Take the time to touch and feel your partner, caressing them and making them feel loved and secure as you do so. At first this can be hard (no pun intended), but practising a little each time can help build your confidence.

Ask your partner/s what they like

The oldest trick in the book, get the other person talking so they'll ask you too. Encourage them to be open and honest with you, and go back and forth when exploring their answers. They might surprise you!


In the mirror, in the shower, while you're cooking. Think about what you want to ask for, and go for it.

*Although we use the term women, we understand that this doesn't apply to those who's sex may be female but identify as a different gender. Also those who's sex may be male, but may identify as a differing gender.