By Portia Brown

Why you're still faking it and 3 things to do instead!

Here is the story of how I started faking orgasms.

It was an accident. I was 19 and I had just started having sex. One day after an alarmingly short, 4 minute romp, my partner rolls over and says “Wow, that was so good. And the orgasm you had was huge!”

I didn't know what to say aside from “Yeah, it sure was,” with a nervous laugh.

Obviously, I had not orgasmed at all. But somehow he assumed or imagined that I had. so to protect his feelings, I lied.

And that's how I spent most of my 20’s, faking it.

I won’t ask you why you fake orgasms because I know why you do. It is incredibly easy to fake them And it feels incredibly hard not to

We fake orgasms for many many reasons: we want to make our partners feel good, we don’t want to hurt their feelings. We have never orgasmed and maybe we aren’t sure how to orgasm.

Whatever your rationale is, if you feel the need to fake orgasms, I’m not here to shame you. You already know you are doing yourself and your partner a disservice. You already know you should be honouring your needs over making your partner feel good under false pretences. You understand that pleasure is important!

But I get it! It's awkward! Especially if you've been faking it for a while, it can be tough to admit it or switch up. So try this to get on track:

1. Ask your partner to do something new:

"Baby, I heard this thing on a podcast, I want to try it can you try *insert direction* with me? I think I'd really love it."

This can be tough because it requires us to swallow our pride and face our fears. But remember that your partner WANTS to please you, so speaking up will help them achieve that goal. Connect the ask to something you saw or heard

2. Show and tell

“I’ve been wanting to show you this thing I do when I am by myself. Why don’t you watch for a little bit, and then maybe you can try doing it for me.”

We have to break this idea that our partners need to GIVE us an orgasm. Orgasms are something that happen with the participation of everyone involved! At the end of the day we are responsible for our own pleasure and that means maybe showing your partner what you like while you pleasure yourself. If it feels awkward to have them in the room while you self pleasure with your hands or a toy, consider calling them via FaceTime or making a video for them to watch when they are away from you.

3. Tell the truth

"This may be hard to hear but I have to confess, I have been faking orgasms with you because I was afraid to hurt your feelings. I love having sex with you and now I'm ready to explore new types of pleasure with you. I hope you're down to experiment so we can both figure out what works together"

This may get you some less than exciting responses. Your partner may be hurt at first but a loving partner will come to understand. So prepare yourself to handle their reaction with grace. Most of the time our partners want (and deserve) the truth. However, be cautious of being so fearful of your partner’s response that you never get to make your confession. This is about finding pleasure for both of you!

Now, if you're faking your orgasms because you have never orgasmed and you don't know how, that is a slightly different story. But please know, you're not alone! 75% of cis-women cannot orgasm from penetrative intercourse alone. 15% have never orgasmed at all. It is a common challenge so hang in there!

Don’t be afraid to try more than one of these methods. Little bit of trial and error may be in order because finding what works will take time.

Remember, pleasure centred sex is the ultimate goal.If you're so stressed about having an orgasm that you're not able to enjoy the experience, the "O" just ain't worth it! Goal oriented sex can kill the vibe, and the truth is, we aren’t always going to be able to orgasm, AND THAT IS OKAY! We can still enjoy sex and enjoy pleasure.