3 tips for a more mindful sex life

A disappointing fact that often have to share with folks is that my life as a sex educator and coach is probably not as thrilling and exciting as one may think.

In fact, most of the questions I get sound a lot like this:

“How can I feel more present during sex?” 

“I just want to feel more grounded”

“I spend a lot of time feeling like I am floating away from my body during sex. How can I feel more connected?”

This might ring a few bells because it is extremely common for people to have this challenge. 

All day long we have our minds going a mile a minute. We are constantly snatched from one priority to another, from one responsibility to the next, from one errand to another. This creates a “busy brain” which is not good for sex!  The busy brain life we live is hard to shut off once we hit the sheets. One potential cure for this is mindfulness.

When we think about mindfulness, typically an image of a thin, attractive person meditating or doing yoga comes to mind, right? But mindfulness is actually a practice that can and should be integrated into most of our daily activities, including sex! In essence, mindfulness is a practice that asks us to try to fully focus on the present task.

Yes, mindfulness and sex go together like water based lubes and your favorite sex toy! So, what can we do to create a more mindful sex life?

1. Turn to your breath

Our breath is powerful. There is a reason people pay good money to sit in silent meditation. There is a lot to be gained from intentional breathwork. During sex we often find ourselves tensing up or even holding our breath without realizing it. And while some tension is necessary for orgasm, our bodies need to have a  balance of relaxation to allow proper blood flow. The next time you find yourself feeling distracted or busy brain during sex, try taking a few deep, slow breaths into your diaphragm to help you feel more present and more relaxed.

2. Focus on your senses

In order to fully access pleasure, we need to focus on grounding ourselves in our own bodies. If you find yourself wandering off during sex, try this grounding exercise: Think of one thing you can see, one thing you smell, one thing you feel, one thing you hear and one thing you taste to help ground you. Our 5 senses are an incredible way to bring us back into our bodies and we can easily use them to ground us during sex.

3. Reflect

A lot of us just roll over and continue on with our day when we are having sex. We never spend time reflecting on the sex we are having with ourselves or with our partners! To be honest, the “debrief” after sex is one of my favorite parts of sex. Sex is about pleasure, but sex is also about learning, growing and reflecting. Try to spend at least 5 minutes after sex reflecting with your partner or with yourself if you’re masturbating. Consider asking yourself these questions after sex:

• What was the most enjoyable part of this experience?

• How did I show myself and/or my partner 

• Think of a word to summarize the sex you just had.

It’s so important to remember that no one is perfect. Above all, have grace with yourself and remember that if you don’t do all of these things perfectly, that is okay. Finding a practice that works for your life takes time, but the journey is always worth it.